Whose Surname Do We Use?






Now, I don't want to get on my soapbox and start 
chanting 'down with the Patriarchy' but what's so amazing about same-sex marriages is how they champion new traditions and encourage equality between partners.

When same-sex couples get married there's no automatic assumption about surnames in the way that there is in an opposite-sex marriage. Gay couples HAVE to have a conversation about surnames and that's how it should be: people deciding together rather than hat tipping to tradition.

Of course, there are a number of options available to same-sex couples:

  • You don't have to change anyone's name. Years ago, a woman took her husband's name to integrate into his family. It was a business transaction taking her from the protection of her father and into to the care of her husband. Today, it's a tradition that is both redundant and yet widely maintained. For same-sex couples, there's no tradition to comply with. One surname is worth the weight of the other, and many couples are choosing not to change either name to save money, time and effort.
  • You can take your partner's name or they can take yours. Deciding to do this will probably be the result of a conversation between you both. If one of you is happy to take the other's name, then the switch is very easy (explained below). Having the name, for some, is part of the "family" package and important for cementing a family status.
  • You could double-barrel your surnames. This seems to be the new norm amongst many same-sex couples and is a way of sharing a name without being excluded. For example, Ann Taylor and Kerry Lowe could become Ann & Kerry Taylor-Lowe or Ann & Kerry Lowe-Taylor.
  • You can combine your names into a new name (meshing) For example a John Horton and Jim McAllister could become John & Jim McHorton or a Lisa Palmer and Sadie King could become Lisa & Sadie Paling.  Depending on how well your name's fit together, of course.
  • You can also create an entirely new name. Maybe you've been watching Vikings and fancy Lothbrok as a surname. Perhaps you think Ronaldo, Starbuck or Darkstar (yes, really.) would be a good idea. Creating a new name is a way of making a fresh start with your partner on equal terms.

How to Change Your Surname

If you're taking your partner's surname, then you don't need to go through deedpoll in order to change it. You can send off your marriage or civil partnership certificate with a covering letter to any organisations, banks, companies or government departments that will require notification. The hardest part is remembering to send it to everyone.

  • HMRC
  • Your employer
  • Your bank
  • Local council
  • Utility providers
  • Doctors
  • Dentists
  • DVLA
  • Credit card companies...

If you're meshing or hyphenating your surnames, then this will have to be done by deedpoll. The easiest way is for one partner to change their name beforethe ceremony and then afterwards use the certificate to change the other partner's name as you would normally. This saves you both having to do it via deedpoll and as such will be cheaper. Obviously, if you're creating a new surname, then that will have to be done by deedpoll, too.

If you need deadpoll, then you can download the form from the Ministry of Justice's website. 








Popular posts from this blog

Should I Propose at Christmas? (Spoiler Alert: Probably Not)

Image
There’s something relentlessly optimistic about the festive season: the gathering of family and friends, the gift-giving and peace-and-good-will-to-all-men shtick. It’s probably the proximity to New Year, too, and all those resolutions and promises for a fresh start. SO many Christmas films have proposals in them, too.  And what greater gift could there be than an engagement over the festive period? Well… It’s easy to get carried away in the spirit of things but Christmas engagements aren’t always a great idea.  And if you have to ask should I propose at Christmas , then the answer is probably no. According to a survey by event company Chili Sauce , men seem to like proposing on Christmas Eve  (woman aren’t quite so keen). Guess you lucky lesbians are off the hook… Only you know whether or not it’s the right time to propose to your partner but here’s why we think you should be careful. 1.   Don’t propose just because it’s Christmas .  Propose bec
Read more

Who Walks Down the Aisle at a Gay Wedding?

Image
Wedding traditions remain an important component of many gay and most straight wedding ceremonies. So who walks down the aisle at a gay wedding?   The short answer?  Whoever you want. What you choose to do and celebrate within your own wedding should be entirely up to you and your partner. Tradition shouldn’t be seen as something that must be adhered to or – in the case of LGBTQ ceremonies – adapted mindlessly.  One of the best things about planning a gay wedding is that there are plenty of opportunities  to customise both the ceremony and reception to reflect your own individual personalities.  The important thing is not to let family or friends who are fixated on what’s traditional to unduly influence what it is that you want to do on your big day.  Some people just don’t have the imagination for anything other than a cookie-cutter ceremony. You might hear people saying things like: You CAN’T see each other before the ceremony You HAVE to have
Read more

Wedding Fair or Wedding Fayre: Which is it?

Image
Fair or fayre? We got busted by a simple Google search.  And we owe you an apology. After writing hundreds of posts promoting wedding open days , showcases and exhibitions , we assumed that we had wedding terminology down-pat. It turns out that we didn’t. All’s Fair or Fayre in Love (and Wedding Planning) According to The Cambridge Dictionary, Fayre is: “an old-fashioned spelling of fair , used to talk about a traditional public event where goods are bought and sold and where there is entertainment: a country fayre” Uh-oh. We went back through some of our posts to double check what we've been using and... How to Survive a Wedding Fayre  Hadley Park is Hosting a Wedding Fayre And these weren't the only ones.  In fact, every single wedding event we’ve advertised (aside from those specifically marketed as open days) has been described as a fayre. Okay , we thought, let’s get a second opinion.   The Oxford E
Read more

Gay Wedding Hashtags

Image
Creating a wedding hashtag for a ceremony and reception isn’t every couple’s cup of tea but is it really so ridiculous when most of us use social media to document and organise our lives anyway.  Gay wedding hashtags are one example of how same-sex couples are creating new traditions.  Planning a wedding when you’re LGBTQ often means navigating heterosexual customs and gender-based norms.  This is one way that couples (gay or otherwise) can embrace modernity and add a bit of fun to their ceremony and reception. Customising a hashtag for friends and family to follow across social media platforms is bound to raise an eyebrow with some guests who may feel that it’s a bit soulless, tacky or narcissistic BUT hashtags are so helpful in curating photographs taken throughout the day.   It’s great for the happy couple to search back through, too, and see a different side of the celebrations: a guest’s eye-view.    Another reason that it’s popular is that a wedding hashtag
Read more

How To Make Small Talk At Weddings

Image
*This post was updated July 30th 2015* The service  was delightful. The brides looked divine. The grooms were as handsome as you’ve ever seen them. You made small talk with the mother-in-law, buried your face in the order of service when everyone was  hugging , and mouthed hello to someone you vaguely remember from the hag do.  Now, you’re standing in the car park and everyone’s hanging around before the reception, but you don’t have anyone to talk to. Or maybe, you are with people you know. Maybe you’re laughing all the way to the reception until – ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? – You read the place settings only to realise that you’re sitting on a table with people you don’t know. Suddenly, you can’t kick your shoes off under the table; you can’t bury your face in the salmon starter, and you can’t do that party trick with a glass of water, a penny and the tablecloth. Well, you could... Oh, but THANK THE STARS , at least there’s wine. Being polite shouldn't be so
Read more

10 Things You Need On Your Wedding Morning – By Tammy Madge, Owner of Manor By The Lake

Image
Today, we're handing the blog over to The Manor By The Lake, Cheltenham Spa, and this outstanding venue really does have to be seen to be believed. They know their stuff about weddings, too, and we're fortunate enough to benefit from that experience with  10 Things You Need On Your Wedding Morning. The morning of your wedding can be super stressful so ensure that you are ready beforehand and fully prepared for anything that might come your way. Below is a quick list: 1. Breakfast Start the day off right and have a light healthy breakfast, it's important that you don’t skip any meals. You don’t want to feel faint or light headed! 2. Timings Make sure everyone knows timings of things throughout the day – especially anyone coming to do your hair or make-up! The wedding party has to be ready in time – only you can be a little late – on purpose! 3. Emergency Survival Kit  Be prepared for an outfit or beauty related problem! Have an emergency kit which include
Read more

Should You Invite a Homophobic Relative to Your Gay Wedding?

Image
It doesn’t matter whether you’re planning a straight, gay or bi wedding – families can make things difficult .  LGBTQ couples have the additional headache of deciding whether or not to invite relatives that don’t support same-sex marriage .  It’s hurtful and it adds additional pressure and stress onto what is already a difficult time of planning.  When you’re curating your guest list the question is: should you invite a homophobic relative to your gay wedding?   No – that’s our gut reaction.   If someone can’t give you 100% love and support on your wedding day, then they shouldn’t be there.  For some couples, it’s as straightforward as that.   But it isn’t always that simple, is it? It rarely is when family are involved.  Only you can decide whether or not that person (or those people) deserves to be a guest at your wedding.  You hold the power.  You’re the inviter-in-chief.  But before you make a decision, there are a few things that you might like
Read more

Guest Who? A Wedding Guest Book with Personality

Image
The Guest book is hardly the highlight of the wedding reception. There's the pressure of writing something thoughtful, something touching, lightly humorous or insightful in the space of a couple of minutes and all  without the luxury of a first draft.  Unless you're some kind of ad hoc Shakespeare , then it's hardly ideal. There's the risk, too, of scribbling some insipid message that's as generic as the  verse  in the Hallmark card you've already deposited in the  wedding  postbox.  But o f course, you don't want to write something too personal. Those penning later entries can't help but flick through previous pages to see what's already been said. Nobody wants what they've written to become a template for what not to write.  That's why we thought we'd share with you something that could spice up your guest book:  the wedding guessing game and guest book – Guest who? (Scroll to the bottom of the page for a li
Read more

5 Shakespeare Quotes about Love for your Wedding

Image
Tuesday (March 27th, 2018) was World Theatre Day , and we thought what better way to celebrate than with some love quotes from William Shakespeare’s plays. Poems and readings make great additions to a wedding but there’s also room to include some romantic Shakespearean quotes on your invitations, on your personalised wedding website or even as table centrepieces at your wedding breakfast or reception. Shakespeare’s words about love and marriage aren’t just deeply moving, they’re also timeless. Adding a touch of sophistication, charm and emotion to your ceremony, the bard’s take on love, relationships and marriage should be easily recognisable to your guests, too.  There are so many plays and sonnets to choose from but we’ve picked some of our favourites from Hamlet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Love’s Labours Lost, The Tempest and, of course, Romeo and Juliet. We’d love to hear what your favourites are. Or maybe you’re more of a Kit Marlowe fan?  Did you incorp
Read more

10 Laid Back Processional Songs For Your Summer Wedding

Image
"Here comes the bride da da da daaaa." We all know how the tune goes. Whether it comes from the clunky key changes of a church organ or from the hissing crackle of a CD player, it's about as traditional as wedding traditions get. But what if you don't want traditional? Or what if you want something more than the musical equivalent of brown bread. And what if there's no bride? If you're planning a relaxed summertime wedding, then wouldn't it be better to have something a little bit more upbeat? As we're heading towards the summer months (yes, we know it's only March, but summer is technically ahead of us, so we're sticking with that ). We thought we'd select 10 songs that could work at your wedding. We've chosen some upbeat, light and airy songs to counterbalance the plodding beat of the wedding march. If you had something different for your wedding, then please let us know. We'd love to hear your suggestions. You c
Read more